Mr. Ryan solves my problems – I think.

by Pitt Griffin on April 6, 2011 · 0 comments

in Drama, Economics

(Paul Ryan has been busy crafting the Republican budget plan to cut $6.1 trillion out of the budget over the next 10 years. But now that it is done and he has a little spare time, I asked him over to help me out with my family’s deficit).

“Hello Mr. Ryan, thank you for coming over.”

“You’re welcome, how can I help?”

“I’ve been studying my finances and when I look ahead I see nothing but red ink from here ’til tomorrow.”

“Well, I had a look at your situation and I have a few ideas. Your biggest liability is your old-age health care. What I suggest is that you go to your health insurers and ask them if they will give you the same coverage for less money.”

“But what if they say No!”

“I can’t imagine why they would. But if they slash your coverage or increase your premiums I can assure you that there will be someone who will stay ‘stop’ to them.”

‘OK. But how does that help me today?”

“It doesn’t.”

“Oh! Well, how about my retirement?”

“Well done, you’ve identified a huge cost and a solution is imperative. Only I don’t have a plan, someone else will have to help you.”

“So that doesn’t help me much today either, does it?”

“No, but I do have some ideas. I notice that you buy your poor nephew an apple every week, you go to a museum twice a year, you pay for your sister’s annual checkup and you listen to the radio – cut it all out.”

“But that will only save me $150 a year, plus the cost of the electricity to run the radio, I suppose. I ought to get rid of one of my six house monitoring systems; that will save $125 a month and I should ask the other monitors if they would do it for less.” I was warming to the task as I could see some real savings were to be had.

“No, no. don’t do that. You can’t spend too much on safety and if you ask a supplier to do it cheaper they may just quit the business in a huff.”

“Well perhaps I should get rid of the guard dog, then I won’t have to buy all that food at that really expensive store you told me to.”

“Got to keep the dog just in case the monitoring systems fail and Halliburton’s is the only pet food store we ever use.”

I offered Mr. Ryan a cup of coffee and we retired to the kitchen. As we sat at the table he continued.

“The next thing you have to do is give some money to the rich.”

“You’re kidding, If I do that won’t it just reduce my income? What are they going to do with it”

“Your income will only be reduced in the short term. The rich will take the money and create great jobs.”

“With all due respect Mr. Ryan I am not sure that’s true. There’s the twins Tom and Tim and they work all hours at their tech business and they hired a bunch of people no problem, I don’t see how they could work any harder. Mr. Collins the dry cleaner tells me that he needs customers, but no one seems to have any money.”

I continued, “Mrs. Jackson did real well with her ’Nearly Organic Candles’ business, but she tells me how much cash she is sitting on and I don’t think that giving her any more is going to create any jobs.”

“Mr. Rapacious has the appliance factory, but he’s all automated and the only jobs he creates are in China. And then there is Berlin Marriot and I don’t think she has ever created a job in her life. I know her boyfriend Johnny Trustfund IV certainly hasn’t.”

“Class warfare isn’t going to put food on your table,” Ryan told me. “Besides I know all about this economic stuff.”

He got up shook my hand and left.

I suppose that I should have felt relieved that my problems had been addressed, but I couldn’t understand how stopping the small kindnesses to my family, turning off my radio and forgoing my twice yearly visit to the museum while giving money to the rich, putting off decisions on my retirement and delaying any cost savings on my health care was going to balance my budget today or ever.


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